Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
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the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
Projecting a movie onto my bedroom ceiling turns insomnia into incinema. No YOU shut up!
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
As a kid in the 70’s when I told my dad I wanted to go to the movies to see Grease, he told me to go look in the lard can on the stove.
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.