Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
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The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
As an adult very few things are less humiliating than being caught in public trying to be cute for a selfie.
A farmer asked his neighbor
“I think my horse has what yours has. What did you give him when he was sick?”
“Castor oil”
The farmer bought castor oil and gave it to his horse
The next day
“Hey! I gave castor oil to my horse and it KILLED HIM!”“Killed mine too”
Dad:
Mom:
Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-
Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?
Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything