judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
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oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant