You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
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her: i just feel so comfortable with you 🙂 like we met in a past life or something idk i know thats silly lol
me: *head throbbing, getting flashbacks to when I was a lizard and she was a kid who cut off my tail to see if it would grow back* no definitely not silly at all
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
me
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
me adding lol on a serious message
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
I just unplugged my WIFI and heard someone yell WTF from across the street!
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.