Even though she’s not Native American, my Wife always sends smoke signals to let me know when dinner is ready.
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I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Every chair is a reclining chair when you’re drunk.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Mercury is in retrograde for 20 more days. Don’t sign any contracts. Have sex with whoever you want to.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
necessity is the mother of invention
Does this dress make me look cat?
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number