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If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
I hate when a bag of potatoes goes bad because not only are the potatoes wasted but so are all the coins I have to put over their eyes.
Pandas 🐼🖤
If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
Only a mother’s love …
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me