My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
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[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.