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Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
Stop tweeting about what real women are and are not. You’re going to blow my secret that I’m a lizard creature zipped into a woman suit
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38