Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
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how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldn’t respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I’m naming our next kid.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention