There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
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The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
We’re just two people shitting in side by side stalls waiting for the other person to go out so we don’t have to show our face
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..
Is that they’re miniature versions of you
The police never think its as funny as you do.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.