It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
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When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
You’d be surprised at all the discounts you get when you come in swinging a sword!
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
My wife inexplicably waited to the last minute to tell me that my kids have dance class today.
So annoying when she does this every week.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.