My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
You Might Also Like
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
What if the weather talks about us?
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He asked, “How do you know I’m not a serial killer?”
I replied, “The chances of two serial killers in one car is astronomical.”
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
“Why you watching this shit?”
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
Seriously In 20 years time and you’re at a pub quiz and a question starts with
“in what year”
Just answer 2016
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”