being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
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I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
Some of you keep touting donuts
as the best breakfast food …..But there are holes in your arguments.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Waiter: would you like another drink before I bring you the check?
Me: holy shit how bad is it?!
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.