“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
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Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
nyc:
Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.