The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
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The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
I have a dog to make sure that the noises in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those noises.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
All I want for Christmas is an extra trash pickup day.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever