My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
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Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
#IStartedLaughingWhen I found out WHY my phone storage was full..
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
Officer: “didn’t you know that sleeping in your car on the side of the road is illegal ?”
Me: “yes I did officer. But this isn’t my car”
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
My wife’s been working in our garden for two solid days now. I never realized tomatoes required a big, six-foot-deep hole like that.
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.