My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
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[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Back in my day, it was a game of dodge ball where you found out who didn’t like you.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
What if Jesus actually walked on Walter and that whole water thing was a typo that no one corrected coz there was no Twitter?
damn he’s good
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?