if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
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Early Bird: *gets worm*
Late Bird: *snacking on Doritos*
Early Bird: SONOFA
Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
I never needed anything more in my life
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Florida man
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.