A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
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Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
In honor of Star Wars day today, I cut off my son’s hand and kissed my sister.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
I worry a lot about the wild animals in my neighborhood but I’m beginning to think that they don’t worry very much about me.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.