Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
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coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
{The purge}
GUY MURDERING ME: It’s “purge.” It’s a soft g.
ME: The purg. I feel like I’m saying it.
GUY: No, it’s “purge.” You’re saying it like “iceberg.”
ME: Purg.
GUY: *Getting increasingly frustrated* Say iceberg.
ME: Iceburge.
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
I don’t watch the news because anchors don’t shuffle papers anymore
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
14 [in front of the dinner his dad made]: I don’t understand what I’m looking at.
Don’t ever put money in a savings account because your house will find out and break something expensive.
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Middle-aged math is going out drinking and feeling half your age then waking up the next morning feeling twice your age.
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.