I killed an hour today. The other measurements of time are terrified of me now.
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I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
[before sex]
ME: Did you notice I waxed?
WIFE: I wondered what happened to your eyebrows
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
My toddler just told me I’m the best mummy ever because I “bought the good cheese for once” so I’ll be riding this high until her next tantrum
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
STOP. PUTTING. DIARRHOEA. MEDICINE. ON. THE. BOTTOM. SHELF
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me