This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
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Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
My kid dropped his apple slices and I asked if he wanted me to help him pick up, he said “no thank you, you can do it by yourself”
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
Literally every dog in the world failed their families by letting a rabbit break into their home
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene