Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
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I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not