[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
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If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
Chicks like it when you let out a loud “AWOOGA” when you see her naked
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
How to create a weight-loss program: (1) Take a before picture. (2) Eat like a pig. (3) Take an after picture. (4) Switch the pictures.