if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
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Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
“I love this song!”
“This is my favorite song!”
“I love this song!”
“No, THIS is my favorite song!”
~ Me, listening to my own playlist
I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score