I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
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“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
What if all the cashiers are married?
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf