If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
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If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
A leaf blower, but for people.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
My dog used to get into her kennel when I put my coat on and I’m not saying that her standards have dropped since the start of this pandemic but she just went into her kennel when I put on pants
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
I think I’ll stand
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Seems a bit forward
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Thinking about that time my mom was taking a photo of me & said I looked way too stiff & too posed & her solution was to hand me a gourd.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.