Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
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[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i can cry
professor x: on command?
me: no just when i’m sad or whatever
professor x: you don’t punch a hole in the drywall?
me: nope
professor x: wow [writes on notepad] logan are you hearing this?
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
My spirit animal is fried chicken
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded