The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
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Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
NINE MONTHS LATER, A FIRE TRUCK WAS BORN
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
I hate commas its not my job to tell you when you breathe work it out youre a grown adult
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
Education is vital
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
Kid: Mommy, can we get a pineapple?
Mom: No, sweetie. I don’t know how to cut them.
Kid: I know Mommy! You use a knife.