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Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
horse: is ur name liam
liam neeson: yea?
horse: lol i know u we worked together on a different movie
liam neeson: does anybody else hear this horse talking to me
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
sry
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
presenting your incognito window wrapped
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
I don’t like to sit down for bad news because I never want to ruin sitting down.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.
At the chemist and there is a man asking for a cream to get rid of his daughter’s nightmares, and the sales attendant is so resignedly repeating, “Sir, please, listen to what you’re saying”.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
Bananas evolved to become a deadly slipping hazard for their greatest predator, the human
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.