Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
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<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys
30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car
40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids
Guilty! 🤪
Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is
Couples therapist: So what brought you here today?
Me: An uber haha
Wife: omg this is what I’m talking about!
Couples Therapist: Yes
Wife: He’s hilarious but useless in bed
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.