Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
You Might Also Like
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Am I the only one who whispers, “Get a job,” into the baby monitor?