How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
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My circle of trust is a meatball
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
i could never be president. im overqualified.
People don’t invite me to their parties anymore…
*dips chip in salsa*
I don’t get it…
*double and triple dips*
I mean maybe it’s my hair…
*drinks from salsa bowl*
Ooh that’s good!
*scoops it up by hand*
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*