I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
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Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
photographer: alright guys, now let’s do a silly one
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
[Having a problem with my iPhone]
Me: *texting myself* Test
Me: *replies* I have a girlfriend
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Some people are like 5yr olds, they shake heads in agreement, but you KNOW by the look in their eyes, they have no clue what you just said.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
My beach vacation Google searches
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
Her: Tell me what you want
Me: A burrito
Her: No!! Tell me what you want in bed
Me: Oh! *gets in bed* a burrito
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”