*sees cute guy approaching*
Me: *whispers to self* Don’t be weird… don’t be weird…
Him: Hey.
Me: *wombat noises*
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age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Gods work.
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
i choose….tongue
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?