Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
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Son: Smell me. Do you think I should shower?
Me: Yes.
Son: But you didn’t smell me.
Me: Yes.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Me (being caught in bed with an optical illusion): it’s not what it looks like.
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
I am calling on public libraries to ban the books that i borrowed that i lost. we don’t need that kind of crap in the libraries.
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Y’all know who you are.
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
If I hear someone crying I immediately cry louder to establish myself as the dominant sad person in the room
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
When my wife falls asleep in a public place, I shake her a little and yell, “DON’T YOU DIE ON ME!” People always clap when she wakes up.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
Fence is falling down, house paint is peeling, and deck has a bunch of splinters, so time for me to convince some idiot kid I know karate.
Who are the people getting up and scanning QR codes off the TV??