I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
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I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
I quit my job to become an archeologist.
My career is in ruins.
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
when my dog starts eating grass I tell him “no bud that will make you pukey” but he’s seen me down tequila like I’m trying to dissolve my intestines so he can eat a little roadside salad
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: sorry
HER: and in my eye
ME: my bad
HER: are you sure you’ve painted before
Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
Guilty! 🤪
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol