Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
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How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.
Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
me opening up to someone
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself