Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
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Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
two people or more is called a problem
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
*Drops son at preschool*
Son: I love you daddy
*tears up*
*3pm picks son up*
S: love you Ms H, love you stuffed toy
Me: oh I see how it is
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change