She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
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professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
-Sir we found hot glue in her ears nose and mouth, seems she suffocated.
-Well whoever did this must be pretty….crafty.
-Go to hell sir.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
This is no longer winter this is harassment