Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
You Might Also Like
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Let’s name him something that will make children smile
“How about Santa?”
Ok but let’s add something fierce so they are afraid to defy him
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Banking tips
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat
Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
The news in a nutshell.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.