*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
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Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
I sleep with a water gun near my bed, in case of cat burglar.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
[planning heist]
leader: the security guard will take his break from 3:15 to 3:30 so that’s when you will-[notices my disapproving expression] what?
me: that’s when I take my break too tho