*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
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There was a slight misunderstanding, and my kids are out in the yard looking for rabbits, but whatever keeps them busy
Just once I wanna slide down a dinosaur at the end of my workday, is that so much to ask for?
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
I can also cook 😂
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.