[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
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No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
ME: What do you recommend? It’s our anniversary
WAITRESS AT WAFFLE HOUSE: You should try a waffle
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
ME: Onions make me cry.
HER: It’s from a compound called Syn-Propanethial-S-Oxide.
ME: I think it’s probably cuz an onion killed my parents.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.