after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
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ME: Wow I have to print this document right now
PRINTER: Like, right right now?
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Me when I see someone that knows me in public..
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.