“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
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me, after any kind of buffet.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
It doesn’t matter how windy it is or how fast you run, dogs make terrible kites
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
“Welcome to the future. Let me show you around. Here’s the bathroom. This is a robot that we invented that screams at your wet hands.”
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE
This is hilarious….
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.