Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
You Might Also Like
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
villain: ironic that the one who shot you is your English professor!
me *dying*: actually it’s coincidental
v *tearing up*: …you passed
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Cops: you’re not allowed to drink in a moving car
Some Guy: what if it’s a really long car
Cops: oh well that’s different
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.