Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
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If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
friend: don’t look but that girl is checking you out
me: [turning around] who
Medusa: hey
friend: I said don’t look
statue:
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago