them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
You Might Also Like
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
3: Mommy, I love you. You’re the best mommy in the world. I wish I had a mom just like you.
Me:
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
UPDATE: Twitter Reacts To The Scottish Independence Referendum #indyref #ScotlandDecides
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
cat faces on other animals, a thread
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.