I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
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How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
I’m just saying, my wife is lucky to have found a weirdo that makes her laugh, she could have met a different weirdo, like a serial killer.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Therapist: What is your greatest fear
Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life
Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
CHRISTMAS FAIL: My son came into my toolshed to say goodnight & saw the box to the radio controlled monster truck Santa got him. I panicked & said I liked his so much I bought myself one and was charging it so we could race in the morning. Now I’m off to Target to buy another one
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.